The Difficulties of Forging Community in COVID-19 Times: A Story
Upon entering the active duty Army life with my spouse, it became clear that we would need to find a good system for finding community wherever we move. This is a bit of my story and some takeaways from what was a very lonely year.
The first 11 months of active duty military life
I’ve experienced culture shock a few times after living abroad, and am no stranger to starting over. However, entering active duty life was different than anything else I had experienced.
We moved in September of 2020 to our first duty station, and though it was only 1.5 hours north of where we lived previously, to me, it felt like another world. With the Army comes a whole vocabulary, traditions, and rules for life together, and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. For example, you can’t wear certain types of clothes while grocery shopping at the commissary, and the commissary is different from the Exchange which is the same as the PX. I learned what it means to have a “Hail and Farewell”, and that gifts are always apart of the program, and I added more acronyms to my vernacular than I ever thought possible. You know what triple-C, MOS, FRG, XO, PCS and S3 mean? Well, now I do.
In addition to the basic jargon and traditions, there are various sub-cultures within the non-servicemember communities, or the spouses. Stereotypes abound about spouses, and I won’t reinforce them here. I came across some that fit stereotypes perfectly and others who were wildly outside of that box. As with any generalization, it doesn’t apply to everyone. Even still, I didn’t know all of the cultural elements at play. I wasn’t sure where I fit.
We had moved to a training post, where individuals come in and out to attend specialized schools or basic training, sometimes staying for a month, six-months or ten months, before heading onto their next assignment.
But beyond these factors, these are COVID-19 times, and the typical groups and gatherings for meeting and getting to know others shut down. I still hear talk of “spouse coffees” and other gatherings, but have yet to find the source of the email list. But either way, back then, even these were not an option.
My husband Derrick got COVID-19 our first week, so we couldn’t leave the house, and he didn’t leave his office inside our house, for the first two weeks. We’ve now isolated about 4 times after various exposures, like many other families. That’s a total of 2 months in the house out of 11 here.
Gathering with others was not really possible the first six months, and the restriction was completely different in a town where I knew no one versus in our previous city, where I could at least call up a friend and go walking at a safe distance in our own neighborhood. Now, my entire life was within the few inches of the laptop screen or phone: Work, family, friendships, church, socializing. All of it, except for Derrick and my dog, Renny. And household responsibilities, which feel endless when you never leave.
I remember the subject of a few of my college philosophy classes, Robert Nozick’s “experience machine”, which he said would provide an amazing, yet simulated, life. The argument is whether that would be better than living an actual, yet not as pleasant life. After feeling as if my whole life was online, I can say a simulated existence is certainly not the same as the real thing.
As someone writing a field guide on finding community, it was hard not to feel like an imposter. We reached out to others, we invited people to hang out at the park safely, we did many things, and yet, community just felt impossible. There were some with whom we connected, but they ended up moving shortly thereafter, to very distant places. We reached out to others, but perhaps due to the fatigue of socializing after quarantine or a host of other potential factors, there were many more no’s than yeses.
Almost one year after our arrival, we are at least showing up to the few places where we know we have the best chance of friendships happening, and that in itself is enough for now. We have seen tiny steps forward, and we are content with that. Simply being with people how we can is, well, nice.
Here are a few of my takeaways from this lonely year, as it pertains to finding community.
Keep showing up and reaching out.
It can be difficult to persevere in maintaining a sense of hospitality and openness when you reach out, and people move or it just doesn’t seem to work for whatever reason. It can become a temptation to just settle for isolation. Don’t give in. You will then take away any opportunity you may have had to live alongside others. With whatever time, energy or will you do have, continue to simply show up to places that could have opportunities with an open mind, and progress will come.
Bring your remote relationships with you.
It became hard to want to call or chat with others online, as you can only sit in front of a screen so long. However, I learned the value of using my ear buds and taking friends or family along with me as I walked, went to the store, or did chores around the house. Doing this can help it feel more like they are there with you, just hanging out and doing normal life stuff together. Separating out relationships from every other aspect of life just felt disjointed and sad honestly, but doing something as simple as using ear buds on a phone call and going about my day with them helped it feel more integrated.
Invest in relationships however long they are there.
Being at a training post, there have been so many people who have come in and out of my life, just within the past 11 months. They now live across the country or world. It is hard when you know that someone is leaving in a month or so, but it is still worth it to invest in the friendship while they are here. I have decided to see it as an opportunity to befriend people in a short season, rather than determining it a waste of time because they will leave soon. I myself will be leaving in about a year, so why not just invest in the fun people who are present right now?
Don’t wait around; be intentional from the get-go.
Since your time is highly limited in such a setting, I have learned that if you want to build quality relationships, you can’t wait around for them to happen. You have to be intentional from the beginning, and figure out what you are willing to do to make it a reality. As with many people over the past year, I was dealing with some mental health issues that grew worse after arriving here, and that made everything more difficult. But I knew living in isolation would be worse, so I was willing to put in the effort and exert the courage to keep showing up and reaching out, even when it felt very hard to do.
Some things are simply beyond your control.
That said, it is also a fact that you won’t be able to control every aspect of the journey to building community. Over the past year, many people (myself included) may have wanted community, but also found it exhausting to be with people due to the ongoing stress of it all. You can reach out and create opportunities for friendship to happen, but in the end, that is all you can do. It is up to others to decide how to respond. It may not always work like you expect, but that is okay. That is people and that is life. Seasons ebb and flow, and some will be more relationally full than others. Keep doing what you know to do, and eventually, something will click.
Many experienced more difficulties than I did due to COVID-19 and now, the delta variant. However, most of us have experienced the sense of social isolation of the past year, and it will take time to figure out how to move forward, as individuals and as communities. Hopefully this story helped to encourage you that it is okay to feel lonely sometimes, and that you are not the only one finding it difficult.
Building community really does take a lot of courage and endurance, especially now. But you have what it takes. I am confident you can and will find your people and forge your place.
